she is the one who will open the door for me

On the first day of their marriage, wife and husband decided and agreed not to open the door for anyone!

On that day first, husband’s parents came to see them, they were behind the door. Husband and the wife looked at each other, husband wanted to open the door, but since they had an agreement he did not open the door, so his parents left.

After a while the same day , wife’s parents came , wife and the husband looked at each other and even though they had an agreement , wife with tears on her eyes whispered , I can’t do this to my parents , and she opened the door....

Husband did not say anything, years passed and they had 4 boys and the fifth child was a girl. The father, planned a very big party for the new born baby girl, and he invited everyone over. Later that night his wife asked him what was the reason for such a big celebration for this baby while we did not do it for the others!

The Husband simply replied, because she is the one who will open the door for me

 

How Youth Should Understand Marriage

ce: saudilife.net
Author: Zainab Bint Younus
TWO extremes are found amongst the Muslim youth regarding marriage: Over-idealism, wherein they imagine that marriage will make their life perfect; and severe pessimism, wherein marriage is viewed to be the end of independence, ambition, and a future career.
Marriage is rarely seen for what it is: a long-term blessed bond between a Muslim man and woman, a relationship of love, compassion, and growth in all areas of life. Islam’s concept of marriage is a wholesome, encompassing ideal, which recognizes not only the blessings and challenges of marriage on an individual level, but a societal one as well. Many of the ayaat and ahadeeth relating to the marital bond contain references to the relationship between a man and a woman, and its effect on society at large.
The Prophet (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: “If there comes to you to marry (your daughter) one who with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him, for if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (tribulation) in the land and widespread corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 866.)  
For those who imagine that marriage is the secret to a Disney kind of happiness, this illusion will mostly likely be shattered quickly, leaving them unable to cope with its reality. No two individuals can live together, in close proximity and for an extended period of time, without experiencing disagreements or moments of frustration and anger.
Being unable to recognize this, or accept this, is crippling – only by realizing that this the natural course of life, especially married life, will two spouses be able to identify the appropriate manner of dealing with their issues and using it as a means of strengthening their relationship, instead of allowing it to weaken and destroy their marriage.
On the other hand, those who see marriage in a negative light will miss out on the many wonderful things that a loving relationship has to offer. Emotional companionship, the fulfillment of physical desires, and the learning experience of journeying through life with a beloved partner are all examples of what married life has to offer. It provides one of the best opportunities for personal and emotional growth, bringing about wisdom and insight on various matters of life. It can be a source of deep happiness and intense joy, and indeed, some emotions that can only be experienced through such a bond.
Allah (Subhan wa Ta’ala) describes spouses as being “garments for one another” (2:187); meaning, that a husband and wife are both an adornment for one another, and a covering for one another – that they will always make each other happy, feel beautiful, protect each other and look out for one another.
One major problem in youthful marriages is that of having unrealistic ideals. Whenever there are Islamic conferences or lectures discussing marriage, usually the same technical questions are answered over and over again. Hours of discussion revolve around how the Sahabah married early and RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) encouraged families not to turn away “young men of good character.”
Unfortunately, many young Muslim men unwittingly think that they are similar to Abdullah ibn Umar, Ali ibn Abi Talib, or Anas ibn Malik in their Deen and thus, are certain that they will be highly sought-after as husbands! After all, they follow the Sunnah, go to the masjid, attend duroos, lead youth programs, and are growing their beards. Why would any sister they propose to say no?
In reality, the majority of these young men lack basic akhlaaq (manners) in knowing how to deal with women or even treat them according to their basic rights. They believe that as men, they have the right to do whatever they want and say whatever they wish; they will lay down the rules! They know their rights!
Many Muslim men, especially those who are young and single, do not realise that marriage is not about being “the boss” and exercising their power over their wives.
On the other hand, young Muslim women have unrealistic expectations as well. From the very beginning, many demand a high mahr and lay out conditions in the ‘aqd (contract) to make it clear that she will only do certain things and cannot be restricted from anything. A Muslim woman’s right, they believe, is that she does not have to cook, clean, or do housework if she doesn’t want to; and if she does, it is out of charity to the husband.
She can demand a maid, ask for expensive clothing, be kept at the standard or above that which she is used to – despite the fact that she has her own earnings from her own work! She knows her rights and is not prepared to be flexible.
The problem here is that both sides are focusing on what they can get out of the marriage as individuals, to fulfill their own materialistic or egotistic needs. They are interested only in exacting their own rights from the other party, without considering their spouse’s rights over them. These days, very few people teach Muslim youth that marriage requires great sacrifice from both sides. It is a MUST that one knows how to give the other person their rights before demanding your own.
In order for young Muslims to truly enjoy the benefits of youthful marriage, it is imperative that they be equipped with a realistic, holistic view of what it will entail. This can be achieved by merging an understanding of RasulAllah’s behavior in his marriages with the understanding that one cannot impose their own expectations on the other individual without taking into consideration that person’s character flaws and strengths.
Source: saudilife.net

A MAN WHO TREAT

Best Way to Talk About Problems with your Partner

 What is the Best Way to Talk About Problems with your Partner?
When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to “communicate” – or talk to each other.
In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.
The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb’s work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary’s work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary’s book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:
•get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
•offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
•hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
•increased distance
•less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
•the lack of a genuine resolution
•increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”
When trying to discuss a problem – it’s important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as “It makes me feel uncomfortable…” can come across as an accusation – leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as “I feel” rather than “It makes…” is a more effective way of solving problems.
Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:
•listen to what you have to say
•empathize with your position
•discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
•increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
•greater potential for resolution and change
•less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.

What is the Best Way to Talk About Problems with your Partner?
When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to “communicate” – or talk to each other.
In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.
The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb’s work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary’s work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary’s book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:
•get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
•offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
•hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
•increased distance
•less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
•the lack of a genuine resolution
•increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”
When trying to discuss a problem – it’s important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as “It makes me feel uncomfortable…” can come across as an accusation – leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as “I feel” rather than “It makes…” is a more effective way of solving problems.
Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:
•listen to what you have to say
•empathize with your position
•discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
•increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
•greater potential for resolution and change
•less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.

What is the Best Way to Talk About Problems with your Partner?
When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to “communicate” – or talk to each other.
In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.
The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb’s work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary’s work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary’s book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:
•get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
•offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
•hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
•increased distance
•less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
•the lack of a genuine resolution
•increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”
When trying to discuss a problem – it’s important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as “It makes me feel uncomfortable…” can come across as an accusation – leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as “I feel” rather than “It makes…” is a more effective way of solving problems.
Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:
•listen to what you have to say
•empathize with your position
•discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
•increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
•greater potential for resolution and change
•less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.

What is the Best Way to Talk About Problems with your Partner?
When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to “communicate” – or talk to each other.
In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.
The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb’s work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary’s work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary’s book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:
•get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
•offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
•hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
•increased distance
•less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
•the lack of a genuine resolution
•increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”
When trying to discuss a problem – it’s important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as “It makes me feel uncomfortable…” can come across as an accusation – leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as “I feel” rather than “It makes…” is a more effective way of solving problems.
Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:
•listen to what you have to say
•empathize with your position
•discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
•increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
•greater potential for resolution and change
•less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.

What is the Best Way to Talk About Problems with your Partner?
When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to “communicate” – or talk to each other.
In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.
The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb’s work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary’s work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary’s book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:
•get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
•offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
•hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
•increased distance
•less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
•the lack of a genuine resolution
•increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”
When trying to discuss a problem – it’s important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as “It makes me feel uncomfortable…” can come across as an accusation – leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as “I feel” rather than “It makes…” is a more effective way of solving problems.
Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:
•listen to what you have to say
•empathize with your position
•discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
•increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
•greater potential for resolution and change
•less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.

What is the Best Way to Talk About Problems with your Partner?
When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to “communicate” – or talk to each other.
In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.
The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb’s work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary’s work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary’s book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:
•get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
•offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
•hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
•increased distance
•less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
•the lack of a genuine resolution
•increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”
When trying to discuss a problem – it’s important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as “It makes me feel uncomfortable…” can come across as an accusation – leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as “I feel” rather than “It makes…” is a more effective way of solving problems.
Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:
•listen to what you have to say
•empathize with your position
•discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
•increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
•greater potential for resolution and change
•less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.

What is the Best Way to Talk About Problems with your Partner?
When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to “communicate” – or talk to each other.
In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.
The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb’s work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary’s work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary’s book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:
•get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
•offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
•hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
•increased distance
•less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
•the lack of a genuine resolution
•increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”
When trying to discuss a problem – it’s important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as “It makes me feel uncomfortable…” can come across as an accusation – leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as “I feel” rather than “It makes…” is a more effective way of solving problems.
Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:
•listen to what you have to say
•empathize with your position
•discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
•increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
•greater potential for resolution and change
•less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.

Marriage and Money

By Eyad Alnaslah
A recent article in the New York Times highlighted the importance of a couple agreeing on the type of financial lifestyle they wish to live before things get serious in a relationship. Questions such as “What is your credit score?” are increasingly asked on a first date. Unromantic? Very. Important? Exceptionally. As Muslims, we do not use dating as a means for marriage. But if a man and a woman are considering each other for marriage, a financial discussion is imperative. Research also conveys that one of the major reasons behind high divorce rates is poor money management, bad spending habits and debt distress. A couple must agree on the way their money will be spent. The romance comes later! By writing this, I seek to convey to my beloved Muslims to take heed of their financial decisions in a relationship and to instill an Islamic-financial perspective that will facilitate the marriage process in the Muslim community.
The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) told the youth to get married if they are able to, as marriage guards a person’s chastity. However, the Prophet ﷺ did not mention that youth need be rich to get married. Being rich has nothing to do with marriage. A family should be able to sustain itself financially for what they need at a minimum, at least in the beginning stages, and with the help of Allah, a couple can grow financially in the future.
The Prophet ﷺ also said: “A woman may be married for four reasons: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty, and for her religion, so marry the one who is best in the religion and character, and you will prosper.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Beauty will not last forever. Wealth will come and go. But the religion and the character of a person is what will last throughout his or her life. Islam teaches us that being rich in the heart is more important than being rich in the pocket.
Our hearts should be content with what Allah gives us, and to constantly thank Him for the innumerable blessings He has bestowed upon us. A Muslim couple should not be preoccupied with what others have in wealth. It is only a distraction from enhancing their relationship with Allah and with each other. Make du`a’ (supplication) that Allah blesses others with what they have, and be content with what you have as a couple. No doubt that Muslims should have nice clothes and work hard for a comfortable lifestyle, but we must also live within our means without yearning for what others have.
Allah says in the Qur’an:

“And in the heaven is your provision and whatever you are promised.” (Qur’an 51:22)
Everything is written for us! Our rizq (provision, sustenance, wealth, etc.) is already predetermined by Allah. We must have full faith that what Allah (swt) gives us is in our best interest. No one will make a penny more or less than what Allah has prescribed for them. Our wealth does not belong to us, it belongs to Allah. Out of the immeasurable generosity of Allah, Allah has promised to reward those who righteously spend from He already owns. Everyone will be held accountable for the wealth they have, the way it was earned, and how it was spent. Every couple should be content with and grateful for the financial situation they have. As a team, a husband and wife should not only invest their time and wealth in this life, but to also invest in their Hereafter.
A number of financial discussions also come up when discussing the mahr (dowry) and weddings. Unfortunately, some disagreements between a prospective husband and wife, or even their two families, have a more cultural than Islamic basis. It is not uncommon for the family of the bride to ask the proposing man for a very high dowry, be it money or jewelry. However, the dowry is not a price that Islam puts on a woman when she gets married. Our Muslim sisters do not have a price tag attached to them when they get married. The dowry is a gift from the man to the woman he is proposing to, and there is no set amount that the man must give. The dowry is whatever the man can afford to give her. The only requirement is that both families agree to the dowry offered. The worth of a Muslim woman is set by her faith and character, not by the amount of dowry she is given.
It is understandable, and encouraged in Islam, to have a wedding that is memorable, decorative, and full of celebration, happiness and laughter. And it is also an Islamic principle to spend moderately, and not be stingy or excessive. However, as thousands of dollars are spent on weddings in the Muslim community, some more extravagant than others, Allah says in the Qur’an when describing the characteristics of the righteous worshipers of Al-Rahman, The Most Merciful:
“And [they are] those who, when they spend, do so not excessively or sparingly but are ever, between that, [justly] moderate.” (Qur’an, 25:67).
The Arabic word “israaf” in this verse is defined as excessive spending beyond one’s means. With that in mind, both stinginess and extravagance are denounced in Islam, and this verse should be kept in mind when planning weddings. Some couples actually go out of their way to get a loan for their wedding ceremony, at which point a couple begins their lives together paying off a loan, instead of building and investing that money for the couple’s future. Many couples are suffering because of the financial distress they are experiencing as a result of their unwise spending decisions and the massive debt they carry. Some have debt out of need, and we pray that Allah relieves them from the burdens of debt. However, some have debt out of their want for more, in which case they are adversely affecting their lives and those around them. Debt should be avoided, not only because of the Islamic prohibition of riba (monetary interest), but also so the couple can work for and focus on the family and its future rather than pay off a loan.
At times, our dear families worry too much about “What will others say about us?” when planning weddings. At times, people pressure themselves to put on a wedding that others will praise. It is notable to mention that our purpose in life is to please Allah before anyone else. Marriage is a means to please Allah and fulfill a sunnah (Prophetic tradition). Thus, weddings should avoid anything that may displease Allah, including excessive spending.
Without a doubt, a couple should enjoy their lives, cherish each other’s company and have memorable and quality time spent with each other. A couple should also strike a balance and keep in mind their future endeavors, such as the home they want to buy, the children they will have, the charity they will give, and the list goes on. With financial responsibility comes discipline. Financial professionals all agree that saving a portion of one’s money each month for the future is the best investment, and “if it doesn’t hurt, you’re not saving enough.”
Lastly, a successful relationship must have taqwa (God-Consciousness) at its center. For those who have taqwa, Allah says:



And [Allah] will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent. (Qur’an 65:3)
Allah will provide to those who uphold His commandments, strive to better themselves everyday, have good character, give in charity, treat their spouse with respect and honor, are patient in times of hardship and have trust in Him alone in all their matters. Rizq (provision) can come in many different forms, not only money. For example, sound health or one’s parents being pleased with him or her are considered rizq from Allah; and the Prophet ﷺ said: “The best provision in this world is a righteous spouse.” A righteous spouse is the best rizq from Allah, and therefore a couple should, together, please Allah with their actions and decisions.
Brothers should seek a wife whose ultimate goal is to enter Jannah (Paradise), not a Louis Vuitton store at the mall. Sisters should seek a husband who has a goal of pleasing Allah in all that he does, and not solely pleasing the boss at work for a promotion or bonus.
Allah is Al-Hay, The Ever-Living. Any relationship attached to Allah will never die, because Allah will never die. A relationship attached to Allah will thrive in this world, and continue in the Hereafter in Paradise.
We ask Allah to bless the marriages in the Muslim community and gather us with our families and spouses in Paradise, where the real wealth is.

MARRY SOMEONE..........

BEWARE MULIMAH

Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure

[24].Surah An-Nur [The Light]

Ayat 26. Bad statements are for bad people (or bad women for bad men) and bad people for bad statements (or bad men for bad women). Good statements are for good people (or good women for good men) and good people for good statements (or good men for good women), such (good people) are innocent of (each and every) bad statement which they say, for them is Forgiveness, and Rizqun Karim (generous provision i.e.Paradise).

[Tafseer] of ayat 26. Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honourable. The pure consort with the pure, and the impure with the impure. If the impure, out of the impurity of their thoughts, or imaginations, impute any evil to the pure, the pure are not affected by it, but they should avoid all occasions for random talk. Forgiveness for any indiscretion which they may have innocently committed, and spiritual provisions of protection against the assaults of Evil. It is also meant that the more evil ones attempt to defame or slander them, the more triumphantly will they be vindicated and provided with the physical and moral good which will advance their real life.   

We value the true worth of women

A Mufti sat next to a Reverend on flight. The Reverend asked the Mufti, What is your occupation?

Mufti: I'm into big business

Reverend: But what business exactly?
...
Mufti: I deal with God

Reverend: Ah, so you're a Muslim religious leader. I have one problem with you Muslim, you oppress your women.

Mufti: How do we oppress women?

Reverend: You make your women cover up completely and you keep them in the homes.

Mufti: Ah. I have a problem with you people, you oppress money.

Reverend: What? How can one oppress money?

Mufti: You keep your money hidden away, in wallets, banks and safes..You keep it covered up. Why don't you display it in public if it's a beautiful thing?

Reverend: It will get stolen, obviously.

Mufti: You keep your money hidden because it is so valuable. We value the true worth of women far, far more. Therefore, these precious jewels are not on display to one and all. They are kept in honour and dignity...

FORGIVE and FORGET

1

""Two things prevent you from happiness; living in the past and observing others.

So many spouses have a miserable marital life because they are unable to forget. The past haunts them while they are themselves negligent of their own shortcomings and faults.

Many Muslims lead a miserable life because they can’t bear the idea of others enjoying things they don’t have. Envy is like wildfire; burning itself. It leaves the person restless and living in pain and agony. Learn to move away from the past and to appreciate what you have without envying others."
...
- Shakyh Assim Alhakeem 

Leave wife if parents order

Leave wife if parents order

Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

SalamAlaikum,Respected Brother.

Is it an authentic narration ( Hadith ) that one should leave one`s wife and children if one`s Parents order to do so ?? i came across this Hadith few days back , just wanted to know whether it is in Bokhari and Muslim ??

Please reply ASAP.

Jazak Allah.

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Leave wife if parents order

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person,  no grave, no prophet,  no imam,  no dai,  nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 4.583 (part)          Narrated by Ibn Abbas

After Ismael's mother (Hajra) had died,  Prophet Ibraheem (a.s.) came after Ismael's marriage in order to see his family that he had left before, but he did not find Ismael there.  When he asked Ismael's wife about him, she replied, 'He has gone in search of our livelihood.'  Then he asked her about their way of living and their condition, and she replied, 'We are living in misery; we are living in hardship and destitution,' complaining to him.  He said, 'When your husband returns, convey my salutation to him and tell him to change the threshold of the gate (of his house).'  When Ismael came, he seemed to have felt something unusual, so he asked his wife, 'Has anyone visited you?'  She replied, 'Yes, an old man of so-and-so description came and asked me about you and I informed him, and he asked about our state of living, and I told him that we were living in a hardship and poverty.'  On that Ishmael said, 'Did he advise you anything?' She replied, 'Yes, he told me to convey his salutation to you and to tell you to change the threshold of your gate.'  Ismael said, 'It was my father, and he has ordered me to divorce you. Go back to your family.'  So, Ismael divorced her and married another woman from amongst them (i.e. Jurhum).

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4940        Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar

I had a wife whom I loved but whom my father, Umar disliked. He told me to divorce her and when I refused,  Umar went to Allah's Messenger (saws) and mentioned the matter to him.  Allah's Messenger (saws) then told me to divorce her.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928        Narrated by Abud Darda

When a man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he had heard Allah's Messenger (saws) say,  "A parent is the best of the gates of Paradise; so if you wish, keep to the gate, or lose it."

There are indeed several authentic narrations,  whereby the Messenger of Allah (saws) recommended that the husband divorce his wife because the parents of the husband had commanded their son to do so.

But one must try to understand the state of the believing and pious parents like Prophet Ibraheem (a.s.) and Hadrat Umar (r.a.),  for it is inconceivable that they would advise their children to divorce their wives for trivial or petty reasons.  

If a parent is God-fearing and pious, and commands their children to divorce their wives because of a valid reason in the deen,  then they should be obeyed.  But if the parents command their children to divorce their righteous wives for petty reasons like money, or caste, or looks, or color, etc.;  then there is no sin on the son if he does not obey them in this matter.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me.  Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your Brother in Islam,

Burhan

20 tips to make your marriage successful

In’sha’Allah

1. Trust, help each other, be good and stay positive.
2. Please your spouse and make him/her feel special always.
3. Be humorous, playful, helpful, respectful and entertaining.
... 4. Never bring your past mistakes in your today.
5. Encourage and give hope to your spouse.
6. Do not compare each other even for tiny things.
7. Surprise your spouse with something new.
8. Spend time together as much as you can.
9. Get ready for your spouse as they want you to get ready and look beautiful always.
10. Listen carefully and obey sincerely.
11. Avoid fighting, ignoring, lying, doubting, misbehaving and getting angry.
12. Be open and discuss your problems/ worries to your spouse.
13. If one of you is angry, the other should be quiet.
14. Don’t argue. Simply say ‘Sorry’ whether it’s your mistake or not.
15. Always make Dua to make your marriage successful and your relationship/ bond strong.
16. Always be thankful to your spouse.
17. Say ‘I love you’ to your spouse everyday.
18. Understand each other.
19. Make eye contact while speaking.
20. Eat together, be together and pray together
 

SIMPLE WAYS

1. Look good and smell great for your wife.
2. Be a good listener.
3. Make her feel secure, don't threaten her with divorce.
4. Express to her relatives, how wonderful she is.
5. Leave the past for Allah, don't dwell on, dig into, or bring ...it up.
6. Don't act as if you are doing her a favour by working or providing, Allah is the Provider, the husband is the carrier of the sustenance to the family.
7. Respect that she might not be in mood for intimacy, stay within Halaal boundaries.
8. Help her take care of the children.
9. Remember you are not always right or perfect yourself.
10. Go out on a date or a get-away for the weekend in a nice location, preferably without kids.

 

Women like attention

 

"Women like attention and they
like to be told clearly that they
are loved. Don't be stingy in
expressing your love for your
wife. If you become limited in
... expressing your love, you will
create a barrier of harshness
between you and her, and there
will be a decrease in affection."
-Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal
(rahimahullah)
 

“Why Wise Wives, Not Wise Husbands” | Pure Matrimony

“Why Wise Wives, Not Wise Husbands” | Pure Matrimony
This is an email received by the Wise Wives team from one of their members .
Please read through to the end, she has great insights!
“So an interesting question came up yesterday at the meeting. As soon as it was mentioned, my mind exploded with answers to the question, but I knew that if I didn’t organize my thoughts before I stated them, it would all sound like a bunch of rubbish when I opened my mouth. I also figured it would just pass and I’d get over it.
But if you know me, you’ll know that if I go to sleep, and wake up still thinking about the same thing, that’s when I know I can’t be quiet about it. So I wasn’t. I wrote my thoughts down because, well, that’s what I do. Plus I had nowhere else to put them…so I’m throwing them your way.
As many women would agree, Wise Wives is a wonderful program that allows us to interactively learn about what the rules and laws of marriage are in Islam, through many resources made available to us through the website, as well as attending lectures by many well acclaimed doctors and authors specializing in the field of marriage. However in the past couple of meetings I have attended, a few women have voiced an interesting question. Why wise wives, and not wise husbands?
Why is it that us women have to take it upon us to burden ourselves with the responsibility of improving our marriage, or prepare ourselves for a future marriage, while the men do nothing of equal importance? Although I did not speak up at the time, I immediately had an answer as to why we are the ones taking on this challenge. I agree that just like us, men also have a lot to learn about what our Deen has to say about marriage and how it should go, and they too should be brushing up on their knowledge of the topic. However, I also believe that getting them to that point is easier for us women to maneuver rather than waiting for the husbands to do it on their own.
Interestingly, I recalled that in every article or book I have read about how a woman changed her marriage to the better, she always started with herself.  In the beginning, the woman always set out to change her husband, to make him better, turn him into the ideal husband she has always wanted. Somewhere along the way, that same woman would find that a marriage and relationship takes two people, and imperfections don’t lie in the husband alone. After all, no one is perfect. And if there are problems in a marriage, usually that means both parties are contributing to those problems. Usually.
So where is the answer? Where do we begin in fixing our problems and bettering our marriages? Well as I continued to read, I found that those same women turned from their husbands, to themselves. Rather than trying to change him, better him, improve him, she began with herself. Changed herself, challenged her own faults, and started taking different approaches in acting and reacting to her husband.

It’s been proven, time and time again by physics, every action has a reaction. Initially, when the wife begins to better herself, as a person and as a wife, the husband in return would better himself, ultimately improving the marriage. So great, one person starts, the other person follows, things get better, right? So then why can’t the man start?! …Fair enough. But there is another answer to that ‘why’ as well.
Because we, as women, run and control the household. Think about it. We decide where things go around the house, what and when things are clean, what everyone is going to eat every day, and sometimes even how and when we spend our money. In truth, we run the show. And how we act or feel, will always affect everyone else in that household. So we decide if today everyone is going to get up early and have breakfast together and spend the day together, happily, as a family. Or if we are going to sulk around the house all day, being depressed and fighting with everyone. The rest of our family acts as a mirror to us and our emotions. As women, wives, and mothers, we can turn things around in an instant. If your husband is having a bad day, you make him his favorite meal, and he feels better. If your kids are sick, you play their favorite movie and cuddle with them, until they feel better. We have the remote and we control the ins and outs of our household.
So the real question is, where do we begin? We’ve established that we will be much better at improving our marriage than our husbands will be because of the power and control we ultimately have over our household and relationships. Because is it our job, as women, to nurture, and care for those around us, therefore caring for their well-being, as well as ours, and controlling which direction our relationships go in. We’re in the drivers seat when it comes to our relationships. So where do we start?
I say the first step is to let the man, be the man. Meaning that they are providers, protectors, and influencers. So let him be so! Us women can be very influential, without appearing to be. By simply restructuring a sentence or request, there can be a better outcome.  So rather than pushing a decision on your husband, request it. After all, every man’s goal ultimately is to make his wife happy. Every man wants to be your hero, your knight in shining armor.
So when you begin a sentence with “I want…” he immediately wants to meet your needs, and make you happy, and feel like your provider and hero. SO LET HIM!! In Islam, women are meant to be taken care of. In all honestly, our religion spoils women. Our entire lives, we are meant to be provided for and taken care of. And even if we do work, our money is ours to keep, to do with what we please. We burden no financial responsibilities towards the household or otherwise. We are meant to be covered to be protected even from a strangers eyes, and provided with everything we need to live a happy and fulfilling life. The man has a need to fulfill that responsibility. He has to be the big tough guy that carries us when we’re too tired to walk. And really, what girl doesn’t love to be spoiled? Never has that meant that we give up our individuality or independence. It simply means that everything we do in our life, is for our own leisure and pleasure, rather than a requirement to meet responsibilities.
For example, a few weeks ago my husband and I had a very productive conversation, it is one of those conversations I am most pleased with throughout our marriage. My husband explained to me that if I want to work outside of the home that I may by choice. He told me he would always support me and my work and allow me to do so in order to fulfillingly feel the satisfaction of success. So that I may feel that I have done something useful with my education, and meet goals that I set for myself, and be proud of what I do. However, he said, it will never become a requirement for me to work. He will never ask me to work in order to provide or care for our home, and that that will always be his burden and responsibility. He also said that the only time he would ask me not to work is if he found that my work was getting in the way of other more important things. That’s not to say that if the house isn’t clean he’s going to tell me to quit my job! This is all of course while being understanding that I am working and helping me around the house.
But if my work was to get in the way of taking care of the kids or fulfilling my Deen’s requirements, such as prayer five times a day, then we would re-discuss my working. He also mentioned that the other circumstance under which he would ask me to leave a job would be if there were some unsolvable problem I am experiencing from it, such as some form of harassment. I thought these ideas to be very fair, and perfectly following the rules and guidelines of our Deen. At the same time, I am not challenging my husband’s needs to be the provider for our home, making it a win win situation.
Men also like to be your go-to person. Not just for opening a jar or fixing your car, but more importantly for advice. It does not make a woman stupid or incapable when she asks her husband for advice. After all, if we trusted them enough to give them ourselves for the rest of our lives, I’m sure we can trust their judgment and opinions on the matters in our lives. It doesn’t make us any less of a person, but sometimes women are more emotional, and so it helps to get a more logical perspective on things, which can be your husband’s role. Often times, asking for his advice or opinion on something will turn into a discussion in which you both learn something about each other, allowing you to grow closer as a couple. All because you turned to him in need of something, rather than pushing a final decision on him. Usually pushing a decision on a man will actually cause him to turn away from it, refusing it, whether he actually agrees or not, just because of the way the idea was proposed.

Some more personal advice from me is, praise your husband. Thank him for the things he does, big or small. Show him you appreciate how hard he works, and really get excited when he does something around the house. Brag about him to other people, let him and everyone know you are proud of him. In return, he’ll probably start doing the same. Not only will he also thank you for making dinner and cleaning the bedroom, but he’ll also want to start doing more of the little things you started noticing because he likes the praise. Its human nature to like to be praised, and has been proven that positive reinforcement is far more affective than negative reinforcement. However be careful not to “baby” him or the way you praise him, that just makes it feel fake, or mothering.

The best thing any person can do in any relationship they have, no matter who it is with, is to put themselves in the other persons shoes. Understanding a certain topic or situation is all about perspective. Each person sees things from their point of view, and when that point of view can’t be transferred to the other person, it allows a window of opportunity for a problem or fight to happen.
For example, you as the wife have spent all day cleaning the house and making a special dinner. Everything smells wonderful, and you put something special on, make yourself all pretty and wait for your husband to come home. He on the other hand has just had one of the worst days he can remember. Everything went wrong at work and he is dead tired. He gets home, kicks off his shoes, and crashes on the bed. Naturally, the wife is going to get upset, very upset, and probably not going to wait very long to voice her feelings. And a yelling whining wife is the last thing this husband needs today. And there is your fight. The husband doesn’t know all the trouble the wife went through today, and that she has excitedly been waiting for him to get home. At the same time, the wife doesn’t know what a terrible day her husband has been having, and how stressed out he feels.
But if we, as the good, humble supporting wife, took just one minute to put ourselves in his shoes, rather than jumping to assumptions that he doesn’t care, we’d find that in his situation, we would have done the exact same thing. And rather than making his day even worse by yelling and fighting, we take him his special dinner to bed, and help him relax. It takes a second to decide how your going to react, and that second can and will change the course of the entire remaining week! In return, you’ll find that when you too are having a bad day, your husband is more patient and understanding of you.
There are so many stories that can be told and so much advice that can be given on ways to improve a marriage. However no two marriages are alike, because no two couples are alike. Everything from personality to circumstances vary from marriage to marriage, so it is important to customize the ways in which you will better your marriage to fit the personality types and living circumstances you are dealing with.
Take it upon yourself to educate your husband along with you whenever you learn something new about what our Deen says about marriage . But in the end, a few things remain constant. We as individuals, hold the ability to improve our relaltionships, including having a fulfilling and satisfying marriage, because we are the most influential people in our own lives.
 You may find that after you have done what you need to do, he no longer needs to attend any event to make things better. They are just happening because of the way you began, and he finished.

Ultimately, if you treat your husband like a king, he will treat you like a queen! And a happy wife is a happy life! ”
–Mai Hazem, Laguna Hills